


Pour, Oh Pour The Pirate Sherry

by krikkiter68



Category: The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Drunk Sex, Drunken Flirting, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gilbert & Sullivan References, Kissing, Leather trousers and thigh high boots, M/M, Make that extremely drunken flirting, Office Party, Pirate Party, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Polyamory, Sea Shanties, Terrible pirate jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 12:45:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17121620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krikkiter68/pseuds/krikkiter68
Summary: A pirate/nautically themed Christmas party for DoSAC.  It goes as well as you might expect.





	1. Chapter 1

It was 10.30pm on Christmas Eve. Julius grasped the hand of his faithful assistant, Millicent, as he ascended first a chair, and then an adjacent table. Preening slightly, he doffed his superb tricorn hat as he bowed to the throng, then straightened up. It had been years since he'd had the chance to do this.

"'We sail the ocean blue," he warbled in his finely-modulated tenor voice, "and our saucy ship's a beauty/We are sober men and true, and attentive to our duty - '"

"Can it, Baldymort," Malcolm snapped. "That's nae 'Pirates', that's fuckin' 'HMS Pinafore'! Get it fuckin' right!"

"I'm sorry, Malcolm," Julius murmured. "This is a nautically-themed event, is it not? There's room for both sailors and pirates in the proceedings, surely?"

"Yeah, well, pirates are fuckin' better, aren't they?"

"Well, that's a matter of opinion..."

"Pirates are better, OK? They just are!" Malcolm intoned.

"Shouldn't that be, they just 'arrrrrrrrr'?" Ollie said behind him, giggling.

Malcolm whirled around, snarling, and Ollie was confronted by a furious, kohl-eyed Pirate King, jabbing long, bony fingers into his sternum and backing him towards the nearest wall.

"Fuck's sake," Malcolm hissed, "what the fuck does it take tae shut ye up, eh?"

"Malcolm, I'm sorry, I was only trying to - oof..." Ollie pleaded, tailing off as Malcolm pushed him against the wall and kissed him. His cheeks flushed as he felt Malcolm's right hand sliding down his body, finally coming to rest against his crotch.

"Liking the leather kecks, sweetheart," Malcolm rasped against his cheek, hand stroking firmly and surreptitiously. Ollie gasped.

"Yeah, yours too," Ollie whispered.

Malcolm patted his cheek with something close to affection, then turned and headed back to the crowd. Ollie stared after him.

Yeah, he thought. That worked.

 

"'Hoist the-e Jolly Roger! Hoist the-e Jolly Roger!'" Jamie hollered, a plastic cutless in one hand, a bottle of whisky in the other. "Coo-ee! Hello, sailor!"

"Jesus Christ, Jamie," Glenn snapped, "give it a rest, will you?"

Jamie performed a daring and unwise leap from the table, landed heavily, then stumbled against Glenn, laughing.

"Awww, c'mon, ye fuckin' fossil, it's Christmas, lighten the fuck up! An' give us a kiss," Jamie slurred.

"You really have had too much, haven't you? The answer's no, by the way," Glenn muttered. God, he thought, I wish I was home with Robyn right now, having a brandy and watching Morecambe and Wise. Fuck being the designated driver, I'm out of here.

"C'mon, ye don't mean tae tell me ye've never kissed a guy?" Jamie said, eyes glinting.

"No, never!"

"What, never?"

"Well...hardly ever..." 

Jamie collapsed on the floor, cackling, as Glenn made up his mind and swept past him. God, he thought, I hope he's too drunk to remember I ever said that. I'll never hear the end of it.

He retrieved his coat and bag from their hanger and walked out into the cold air, smiling as he headed towards his car and home.


	2. Chapter 2

Helen, standing on the porch, took a sip of mulled wine and smiled at Millicent.

"So, how's it going in there?"

Millicent laughed. 

"Well...it's all getting a bit raucous. They started a game of musical chairs to the tune of 'Captain Pugwash'. When I left, Terri was chasing Peter Mannion around the Great Hall, and Ben Swain was dancing the hornpipe. Poor Julius."

Helen smiled, her perfect, deep-red lips parting, and Millicent felt a warm glow rising within her. She really was gorgeous, in her jade green corseted gown and thigh-high boots. 

"He's lucky to have you," Helen murmured. "It's beautiful out here. Come with me..."

Helen took her hand and the two women smiled at each other, as snow began to spiral down around them.

"Just what I need," Millicent said. "Peace, snow, a beautiful stranger..."

Helen kissed her lightly on the lips.

"Not for long, I hope. A stranger, I mean."

Millicent pointed upwards, stroking Helen's jet-black hair with her free black leather gloved hand.

"Look! Mistletoe! That's lucky, isn't it?"

"Luck," Helen murmured, pulling Millicent closer, "had nothing to do with it."

They kissed, their soft bodies curving against each other, lost to the muffled shouts and laughter coming from inside.

 

Ollie gazed upwards in awe at the vision that loomed over him. His boss, for God's sake. Nicola. His fucking boss, in black corset, stockings and suspenders and a massive hat with huge fucking feathers that kept sweeping down to tickle his face, thank you very much. Her thighs gripping tight around his hips, his cock buried in her warmth, riding him like a fairground horse. 

Not that he wasn't enjoying it - of course he was. Every catch in her breath, every roll of her hips. He was loving it.

It's not something he was expecting to happen, that's all.

And then she leaned back and he could see exactly where his cock was fitting into her, and his surprised, lustful moan made her laugh out loud.

"Way-hay and up she rises," she sang, gently, her actions fitting the song, "way-hay and up she rises..."

"Can...can I kiss you?" he gasped. "Please, Nicola. I've got to."

Nicola smiled at him, leaned back on her haunches as he sat up, holding him steady as he flung his skinny arms around her back and kissed and kissed her.

 

Malcolm's head hit the pillow and he moaned as he came, streaming endlessly inside Sam, feeling her ripple and pulse around him. He hoped he would never forget the sight of her, eyes closed, softly biting her lower lip in the semi-darkness. All her soft dark hair and her soft tits and all her fucking wonderful softness.

They lay together, sated, Malcolm's cock twitching and calming inside her. He extended an arm and wrapped it around her, holding her close. Far away, as if in a dream, they could hear the party raging downstairs.

"Thank you," he murmured, kissing her hair.

"The pleasure was all mine," she murmured back.

"Finding this hotel...miles from anywhere. You ken what noisy fuckers they all are."

Sam giggled.

"That's pretty much the size of it."

She inclined her head, indicating a slumbering Jamie beside them.

"Is he gonna be OK?"

"Oh, aye. Just dinnae make any loud noises or sudden movements when he wakes tomorrow, an' he'll be OK. Hang on..."

He took hold of her and rolled them both over gently, until they were lying side by side. They smiled at each other.

"I don't want to move. I love you, Malcolm."

"I love ye too, darlin'. Love him too but ye know that. I'm so fuckin' lucky tae have the pair of ye."

"Merry Christmas, darling."

"Yeah, Merry Christmas. An' Sam, darlin'..."

"Yes?"

"I hope we dream of bein' pirates on the seven seas, all of us. I'd like that."

"Yeah. Me too."

THE END

Merry Christmas/Season's Greetings/Happy Holidays to all my readers! I love each and every one of you.

krikky xxx


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